Purpose

2020 is finally coming to an end and the new year is almost here. I’m usually excited for the start of a new year but I’m not expecting much from 2021. Yes it’s sad, because I don’t think I’m alone in this feeling. Everything is slowly shutting back down again, schools are opening up and not opening, it’s all just blah.

Lately, I have been diving into project after project, just trying to give my days some sort of purpose. I find myself devoting each week to a different project and baking ridiculously in between. I used to absolutely dread macaron orders and now I have a stock pile made and ready in my freezer. Yes I freeze them, they taste amazing, try it. I made marshmallows from scratch, more times than I can count. Every dessert that I normally find annoying and time consuming, I have made just for fun. I don’t even like rainbow cookies actually I find them disgusting, and I have made them three times in the last two weeks.

I know what you are thinking, don’t you have enough to do already? Why want more? Because that is my me time. A project isn’t just something to do for me. It’s how I trained myself to not overthink life. If I’m left to explore my thoughts I get overwhelmed. I have gotten used to chaos and having something to do. I need something to do. I need to be creative, because that’s how I express myself. That’s how I have me time. I don’t spend time on my hair or nails or shopping. I bake, paint, build, learn and I don’t care if it stresses me out, I will still do it.

But there are no parties, so I redid my bedroom. Yup, completely reorganized my closet, painted, bought a new headboard and slightly decorated. Yeah not that satisfied. It looks great it’s just not the project I needed. Bought wood to make shelves in my dining room. Stained the wood and reorganized the area. Nope, didn’t fix me. Organized all of my event planning things and made a proper space for everything. Took three sheds in total but everything is visible, and no I still feel unfulfilled.

It’s this house, I’m sick of looking at it. I am literally changing it room by room because I need a change of scenery. I’m planning on redoing the girl’s bedrooms next.

This time last year I had high hopes of 2020. I was finally getting where I wanted, taking on multiple big jobs a month. And I had events scheduled throughout the year. Three of four kids should have been in school, leaving me with plenty of time to get things done. It was gonna be My Year. And all that changed. Now it’s just me in this house. Most, if not all, events are canceled and every one is baking in their spare time. Is it over, is that it for what I love to do? I guess this is how a lot of people feel right now, not sure what the future holds.

I started an Instagram page for my son, a place to show his progress. We make cute little videos and he absolutely loves it. He watches himself over and over. And he’s getting really good at using his kitchen tools. But I get the feeling he feels what I feel. Just in a different way. See my son thrives with structure, he likes things to happen on schedule. But his whole day is also in this house. I on the other hand, can not stand structure. I hate having to do the same thing over and over again. It drives me crazy. So by creating structure for the kids and making sure they have purpose, I have eliminated my creative chaos. I did this. We get up at the same time, school, lunch, blah, blah, blah…

Leaving me to actually think about, what can I do next. I guess I’ll do the laundry today maybe I can find some joy in having that all done. I hate doing laundry. This is what it has come to, I’m so desperate for creativity, I’m doing things I hate and trying to convince myself it’ll be fun. Oh, it’s so sad.

So what happens now… I have new recipes, a number of DIY projects from around the house and a deeper look into Chef Yaseen. My created structure may be exactly what you need to get your home in order for 2021. Looks like we’ll be in the house for a while longer.