Autism is My Life

Do you remember when autism really showed its true face in your life? I think part of the reason I was in denial of how much autism affected my life was because I stayed at home. I really had no choice during early intervention, it was really hard to actually leave the house. I remember when they first opened a sensory gym in my area. I was super excited because I thought this would be a safe space for my kids. I had already been there several times. But I never took all the kids there at once. I was confident that I would be able to handle it on my own. They only have one entrance/exit, the whole place has padded mats and it’s supposed to be autism friendly.

It started off as a good day overall my son was in a good mood and my girls wanted to get out the house. I needed to get out the house. So I got all of them in the car and we arrive to the sensory gym. Getting them all inside was a little challenging but it was ok. My youngest was too small to actually play so I put her in a carrier so that I could still use my hands for the other three kids. And they were off, each went in a separate direction and I was just standing in one spot where I was able to see all three of them at the same time. For a minute, I just stood there not having to do much, staying closer to my son. Drinking my Starbucks coffee, some thing I grabbed from the fridge on the way out. My son was on the zip line while the girls were playing in the kitchen area. All playing independently and happy. My son loves the zip line. He doesn’t need my help at all, he knows exactly what to do.

And then a little girl wanted to use the zip line as well. So to make sure that my son was being fair and giving her a chance to use the zip line, I stepped in. The girl was unattended her mom was sitting down with another mom chatting away. So I held my sons hand to make sure that she got her turn and I explained to him that he had to wait until she was done. He was not happy, he doesn’t understand having to wait his turn. He started to scream and hit his head, but he still waited, as long as I was there holding his hand.

What ended up happening is the girl just stood there. And my son got more and more frustrated. She was smaller and she couldn’t reach the seat of the zip line to get on. So I let go of my sons hand to grab it for her. He immediately goes for it and tries to cut her in line. I block him off while helping her to get on. She went down the zip line and left the seat there instead of returning it to the start of the zip line. And he gets more frustrated.

She’s a little kid so whatever, I let go of my sons hands again and went to grab the seat of the zip line walked it back to him. He got on. I met him at the end and we walked the seat back. The little girl is standing there again waiting for me to hand her the seat of the zip line so she could get on. She gets on leaves the seat at the end. I let go of my sons hand and he gets frustrated slapping his leg and stomping his feet. I walk back with the seat and give him a turn. The girl is standing there again.

So again to make sure my son was being fair I continued this process for a good amount of time. Walking back and forth for both kids, making sure everyone gets a turn. Trying to comfort my son in between turns. Before I started to wonder where is this girls mother. Does she not see how frustrated he is getting from each time I let go of his hand to assist her child. I could keep him calmer if this little girls mother would just do her part. Help her daughter instead of me doing it for both kids, while carrying another baby and keeping my eyes on the other two.

He wanted nothing but the zip line. So I had no choice but to keep doing it. Yes I could ignore the little girl, she can’t even get on without help. Keep my son content and be like the other mother, just act oblivious. But it’s not the little girls fault, what if someone did that to my kid. I tried to look at it as a way of teaching him turn taking. But every time I let go of my sons hand to help her, he would get away enough to hit himself in the head. I had enough I tried distracting him and took him to another part of the gym. Hoping the little girl would find something else to entertain herself with once I was no longer there to help, or that her mother would get up and help her. It didn’t work he wanted the zip line. He started throwing a serious tantrum. Throwing himself on the floor, screaming… So I took him back to the zip line.

At the same time the staff was concerned about some sort of liquid found in the gym. It was droplets of something brown. And they asked everyone to stand over to one area so they could clean whatever it was. I had to take him away from the zip line again. So I have my youngest on my chest, holding my sons hand while he is jumping up and down screaming and now I have my then three year old screaming for having to leave the kitchen area. I’m standing there, being pulled in two directions, by two kids who are screaming. I’m doing my best to calm them down and I look up, everyone is staring at me. I mean everyone.

So I decided it’s time to go. But it’s not that easy trying to get everyone’s shoes on while they’re screaming and throwing themselves on the ground. I only have two hands so I started with my son. I asked my oldest to hold her sisters hand while I did this. She got away and went back to the kitchen play area. So I decided to let her play while I calmed my son down. Maybe we could stay a bit longer. But he is so into his tantrum that he can’t calm himself down.

There’s more of this brown liquid and the staff panicked again. Told everyone to sit in one area and check their kids. They said we think one of the kids is sick and is leaving trails of poop or vomit all over the gym. That’s completely disgusting.

I walk over to get the girls and my daughter starts screaming for having to stop playing again. So I’m trying to explain to her that we need to let them clean before we play. My son is still acting out hitting himself in the head, slapping his leg, trying to get out of my grip. At this point, I’m completely ready to go. I’m putting the kids shoes on and I’m not listening to what the staff is telling people. My kids are screaming I just want to get out of there.

Then I looked down, and that brown liquid every one is freaking out about is coming from my purse. Apparently I stuck my Starbucks coffee in there without tightening the lid. And every time I moved around with the kids it was tipping and dripping. I’m so embarrassed. I quickly use baby wipes to clean any evidence of it where I was standing and made sure the lid was on tight so there was no more droplets of brown liquid everywhere.

I finally have all their shoes on and we’re heading out the door. I can hear the adults talking about someone having diarrhea and how awful it is. All the kids are standing off to the side waiting for them to discover who is at fault. My son is still throwing a tantrum and they look over at me as I walk by them. I was mortified, so I just left. I didn’t even bother telling them that it was just coffee, or that it was coming from me. How could I admit to that, I wanted to, but I didn’t want any more people looking at me. Instead I got all the kids in the car, sat there in the parking lot and cried. I looked at the clock we had only been there for an hour and a half. It felt like we were there all day it was the most draining hour of my life. So I just cried for about 20 minutes before I could finally drive home.

I felt defeated. I felt like there would never be a time where I could enjoy myself with my kids. I thought about how everyone just stared at me. I thought about how I could’ve handled it better. I did laugh about how disgusted and panicked everyone was, of the thought of someone leaving poop trails. It was just me, my coffee and a ruined purse. And then I told myself that I would never do that again.

Looking back now I still cringe from the way everyone stared at me. Seriously the thought of going back there is terrifying. However, It did teach me to keep my opinions to myself when it came to other peoples kids. I will never badmouth a mother because her kid is throwing a tantrum. I will never look at her as if she is the only person alive with a screaming kid. And instead of staring at a struggling mother, I will offer to help put her kids shoes on instead.

This was the first time I took all four of my kids anywhere and the experience was heightened by the coffee trails. But it was the first time I felt like, if it wasn’t for Autism we could have had a great day. What does it feel like to be one of those moms who can just sit and watch the kids play? I never sit. I’m always running. That day I realized I would never be one of those moms because Autism is my life now.