Riding The Storm

I don’t know how many days in the thick of my sons battle it was when I had my first emotional breakdown. I have always thought of myself as strong, but this was the weakest I can remember feeling. I was exhausted and sleep deprived. Even when I had an opportunity to sleep, I couldn’t, my mind was always running.

I couldn’t focus, there was so much going on. I snuck away to get a moment of peace. I hid in my bathroom, its my spot. I was only in there for a moment when I heard a bang. It was my son banging his helmet into the frame of his bed. I held him for a second, before he ripped away from me and punched himself in the nose. He was bleeding, and crying and at that point I was broken.

I began what I call my Grieving Process. Its the best way I can explain the emotions you go through as a parent. When you realize your baby is special needs. You have this image in your head from the moment you know you are going to be a mom. What he will look like, what he will grow up to be and its gone… That image is gone and there is nothing you can do.

Worry. Everything you fear will start to come into your mind. The fear of him being taken away or not being able to ask for help. The fear of him running off and never finding him. The fear of someone hurting him in any way. The fear of how people will look at him, look at you. Will he ever get a job, get married…. Who is gonna take care of him when I’m gone.

Anger. This part gets really tricky because anger is ugly. There’s always someone who is on the receiving end. I was alone and angry. Talking to myself, answering myself, and before I knew it I was having a full on argument with myself. In my mind I was speaking to God, for everyone listening it was just me. Then I started asking, How could you do this to me? How could you do this to him? What did I do? Why are you punishing me?

Self Blame. Its funny when we are at our weakest, how quickly our mind turns on us. Its because you did this when you were 15, and this when you were 20. Its because you took Tylenol when you were pregnant. Its because you didn’t breastfeed him long enough. Its because you don’t do this and you don’t do that. Its your fault, its your fault, its your fault. Its you…..

STOP……BREATHE

At this point you have two options. You can dwell in this feeling of self doubt and the world was never kind to me. Or you can get your butt up and do something about it. The world is not over, you are not being punished, and more importantly this is not your fault.

I had to stop blaming myself. I joined different support groups and started reading what other parents were saying. I wasn’t alone in this. The more I read, the more thankful I became. There were other parents giving encouragement, advice and sometimes just prayers. There’s a whole community of parents and caregivers fighting to find some sort of answer. Just like me. So I gave myself a break. I am doing the best I can and thats enough.

Peace. Making peace with my feelings and doubts was such a relief. Now I can look at what can be done just to better his situation a little at a time. The simple things are most important. Getting him healthy and happy is the only thing that is important right now. Healthy and Happy.